The Pursuit of Happyness

There are so many thoughts swirling in my head tonight, I've lost track of everything I want to think about. It's kind of annoying when you can't even describe all the things that are bothering you.

I was going to bed with a little bit of frustrations left over when I realized I no longer believed in myself. Well, what I mean is, I don't fully believe in what I used to anymore. I'm happy as long as my friends are happy -- that used to be my mantra, a bit of the old nice-guy mentality. I realized tonight... I wasn't. I felt really guilty and ashamed of myself when I did, but I couldn't deny it. Selfishness is one word for it, I suppose.

I can't yet make the separation. There's a big part of me which still, genuinely, lives by that extension. Part of me now wants more. I constantly worry that I demand too much of others, that maybe I'm just being unreasonable and greedy. There are those, of course, who reassure me and tell me that I have every right to want a little more, but in the end, I haven't convinced myself.

I wish I could just step aside and live in my own vein. It's just not... me. I'll just care to my own death, no matter how I try to fight it. I'm not a quitter, but I just care too damn much about you.

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