As My Head Roughly Throbs

John Lennon's "Imagine" has been in my head these days. It's not terribly complicated in any way, but it's so beautiful in every respect despite it. It's so much more powerful and honest than anything I've heard before. Lennon was truly a blessed visionary. It's such disgraceful irony for humankind that all the greatest people championing peace and love are the ones assassinated. Martin Luther King Jr., Robert F. Kennedy, Gandhi, John Lennon. We're such a complicated and confusing race.

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After such an awesome day on Monday, Tuesday had to be dull to balance it out. It was pretty much back to the same old routine, although I did have In-N-Out for lunch. :)

Much to my excitement, I realized my credit card balance for July was $8.03! Now I know this figure doesn't include my cash purchases, but still... this is the lowest it's ever been. I'm proud of my self-control and halt to frivolous internet purchases.

My father talked to me for about an hour last night. It was one of those talks about my future and career, and it didn't go quite the direction I expected. He was actually very supportive of me; he didn't want me to give up on pre-med just because of a few bad grades. The entire time, however, he kept reminding me that he was not pushing me to pre-med. My grandfather never pushed him to be a doctor, and he wouldn't do it either. He didn't care what I ended up doing, as long as it made me happy. Despite being compartmentalized in his college at Taiwan, where he had no choice but to study engineering, he ended up being lucky enough to find something in it that made him happy. As unglamorous as it sometimes sounded, he loved being a contractor, going from place to place (never an indoor person) and watching his knowledge build homes. Every job will have its challenges and eventual routine, he said, but if you can come home satisfied at the end of the day, that's all that mattered.

I'm pretty lucky, having parents that don't try to direct my life entirely. Sure, my mom will try to push me in certain more financially-sound directions, but she's just being her motherly self. I sometimes think that this perception--this need for financial security and a higher standard of living perpetuated by this bloated capitalist ideology we've all adopted--has severely blinded me. I can't properly clear my mind and freely think about what I really want to do with myself.

I was browsing a professional photography agency's website today and I was completely blown away. They only had six photographers in their roster, but collectively they've covered almost every celebrity, advertisement, movie poster, and fashion shoot I've seen in recent years. Every one of them had their own client list, their own styles of shooting; all of their photos made me do a double take. In those moments, I started wondering: is this what my dad was talking about? This feeling of excitement and belonging?

I'm not sure yet. I've always considered photography to be merely a hobby, and a very expensive one at that. I didn't believe I had the artistic vision/photographic eye to do any more than enthusiast work; plus, there was always the financial issue to consider. But I don't know... I guess I still have to investigate further. Same with business finance, same with law, even same with medicine. I just don't know yet.

I do know I will work hard to figure out my life. It's scary; the moment you become an adult, you have to constantly look to the future. Not just to the next midterm, or the next quarter, but years and years beyond. It's frightening and very intimidating. But now, it's also a bit exciting. I'll play it out and see where it takes me. :)

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