Disillusioned

With the way things are, there's nothing special about it. All my hopes dashed, I'm left with a resounding disappointment and disillusionment.

EF

Why do I sacrifice for you? I just keep getting messed up.

Frustration

Watching myself slide further and further from where I used to be is destroying my mind. What happened to me?

I used to be so happy.

Thoughts

I'd forgotten how to cry for so long, it felt foreign to me. When I finally came upon a small chance to begin, I couldn't seem to contain it anymore. It was so draining--at times, liberating--that I couldn't speak, save for the occasional distorted mumbling. I cried alone (thankfully) in my room for a good half hour. At the end, I didn't recognize the misshapen face staring back at me in the mirror. After months of torment, I could see the wreck I had become.

These later days, I can say, at the very least, that I am a bit better. This being defined as "not utterly miserable" doesn't sound like much, but it's a step forward. One thought still haunts me, however. Watching others and listening to others, I sometimes don't know how I came to be so lucky. Didn't I once sound like and believe in what these others said too? Are they truly better fits, or is it just my mind being clouded by doubt? I hope I find what I'm looking for.

I don't want to settle into mediocrity, into just the normal mold I see around me. I want something more meaningful and valuable. It's a challenge I've yet to fully wrap my head around, but perhaps I just need more time. Time. What a funny, tantalizing, and liberating promise.

I hope you haven't lost faith in me.

FUCK

I'm going crazy. Things just overwhelmed me so quickly, and in the first week too! It didn't help that I never really resolved my problems from last quarter either!

I WANT TO DESTROY SOMETHING. AND CAUSE PAIN. AUGH.