On Poetry

I've always disliked poetry. Partly because I'm no good at the style, and partly because I could never understand whatever the hell the poets were writing about in AP English prompts. To me, poems lacked the flow that I liked in writing prose. My writing style relies so much on this fluidity that it sickens me sometimes.

Poems punctuate their emotions. The flow is different, sometimes disrupted and disorderly. Lonely adjectives. A spray of more words.

While I was thinking about writing blogs again, I realized how much effort it would take to write the way I was used to. All I really wanted to do was spew and spew, I didn't want to make a pretty essay. I just wanted to spew. Poems would have worked.

Still, I can't quite make the conversion. Poetry still seems too foreign to me, so for now, I'll stick to prose.

damn

I still don't think you quite understand.

Disillusioned

With the way things are, there's nothing special about it. All my hopes dashed, I'm left with a resounding disappointment and disillusionment.

EF

Why do I sacrifice for you? I just keep getting messed up.

Frustration

Watching myself slide further and further from where I used to be is destroying my mind. What happened to me?

I used to be so happy.

Thoughts

I'd forgotten how to cry for so long, it felt foreign to me. When I finally came upon a small chance to begin, I couldn't seem to contain it anymore. It was so draining--at times, liberating--that I couldn't speak, save for the occasional distorted mumbling. I cried alone (thankfully) in my room for a good half hour. At the end, I didn't recognize the misshapen face staring back at me in the mirror. After months of torment, I could see the wreck I had become.

These later days, I can say, at the very least, that I am a bit better. This being defined as "not utterly miserable" doesn't sound like much, but it's a step forward. One thought still haunts me, however. Watching others and listening to others, I sometimes don't know how I came to be so lucky. Didn't I once sound like and believe in what these others said too? Are they truly better fits, or is it just my mind being clouded by doubt? I hope I find what I'm looking for.

I don't want to settle into mediocrity, into just the normal mold I see around me. I want something more meaningful and valuable. It's a challenge I've yet to fully wrap my head around, but perhaps I just need more time. Time. What a funny, tantalizing, and liberating promise.

I hope you haven't lost faith in me.

FUCK

I'm going crazy. Things just overwhelmed me so quickly, and in the first week too! It didn't help that I never really resolved my problems from last quarter either!

I WANT TO DESTROY SOMETHING. AND CAUSE PAIN. AUGH.

Playing with time

Thanks to a brief lapse into anti-social behavior, I caught up on watching two movies I've been planning to watch for the longest time: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Memento. I loved their structure. Both movies taught me some very, very valuable lessons in my current mindset.

1. Sometimes in a crazy world, you just have to step back and say, "Okay, this is how it is", and just move on.

2. You can be the instrument of your own path.

Suddenly life picked up

Why's everyone in such a rush this break? :( I had to make a schedule for the week and penciled in people for different times. It's like a work schedule now..

I started reading Watchmen today, and I'm very impressed. Who knew a graphic novel could have so much depth? Alan Moore is definitely a visionary. He created V for Vendetta too!

I miss high school. Well, not all of it. The friends I got close to, whom I rarely see now... I'm glad that this break has started bringing me back to some old friends I hadn't talked to in a long time, I really missed you guys. :)

My headache's finally gone!

And now I'm up at 4. FML

I overloaded my washing machine and dryer today with over three weeks worth of laundry. It got everything done in about 3 hours. The downside? Most of my clothes did not dry. Sadness.

I need to get out of the house. Staying in my room and playing OMGPOP/DS all day is making me feel really abysmal.

On a side note:

Why aren't you single?? :( I feel like we would make such a great couple. No matter how bad I feel, talking to you always makes me feel so happy inside. Gosh, you're so darn cute. Personality-wise and physically. Haha. I'm terrible.

A Question

How do you build without a foundation?

Is it faith? Is it luck? Is it ignorance?

What is it?

In Retrospect

Ignorance is bliss.

Random Panic

I was walking to class today when I realized how uncomfortably loose my jeans had become. It was distressing because this pair was new and fitted quite well just last week; I was deathly afraid that I had somehow lost more weight and thus more bone mass, and somehow my waist had shrunk again.

Three frazzled hours later, I realized I had simply notched my belt a little looser than usual. Damn.

- 24 -

Kerbloosh

I'm such an emotional wreck.

Why won't you help me????

Finding my way back

I had a stroke of epiphany yesterday, and for the first time in weeks, I felt at ease and happy again. I wasn't really sure what had caused it--maybe the lecture on social psychology played a part--but I was back to my normal, weird self. My optimism hasn't been this high in a long time, and I hope it stays awhile.

The change I want is the change I'll be. 

Just gotta focus on ignoring the little things that still irk me, and everything should be okay.

On a side note: AGH side hugs. 

Lost?

Never have I ever felt so confused and helpless. Why won't anything make it better? I thought it was supposed to get better.

I really want to cry.

The Happier Things in Life

1. Long, meaningful, full-on hugs

2. Curly fries with ranch dip

3. Sour cream & onion chips

4. Floor tickets to a rock concert

5. Knowing people are looking out for you, always

6. Being indoors sipping hot chocolate or a latte on a rainy day

7. Smooth jazz

8. Saosin's "You're Not Alone"

9. A productive, fruitful photoshoot

10. Pretty girls

11. Paychecks

12. Making a difference without anyone expecting it

13. Clicking with someone

14. Having a jacket to share when someone else is cold

15. Studying with friends (albeit unproductive)

16. Salmon sushi

17. Finding the most awesome shirt/jacket ever

18. Getting snail mail from a good friend

19. Long phone conversations

20. Long, deep conversations about intellectual matters or emotions/life

21. Driving alone at night with the radio on

22. Seeing musicals live

23. Blogging

24. Having a good, balanced lucky number

25. People appreciating you for who you are

26. The escape of sleep

27. A clear mind

28. Crafting

29. Boy bands (minus Jonas Brothers)

30. Feeling loved. So rare...

I can't think of anything else right now, I'm not feeling terribly optimistic right now.

Because I'm bored at work...

Pet Peeves (a work in progress):

1. The misuse of the words "your" and "you're"

2. People who text constantly while hanging out with other people, especially in the middle of conversations

3. Dumb people on Yahoo! Answers

4. People who are insensitive to others

5. Proposed changes without any forseeable/plausible solutions

6. Very slow responses on AIM

7. People who think life is a game

8. People who amble slowly in areas of high traffic

9. Reckless/clueless drivers (especially Asian ones in parking lots)

10. Giving up too easily when an easy solution is to pick up a bit more responsibility

11. People who are too lazy to take on responsibilities yet have unreasonable demands on people who step up

12. One-word answers

13. Crocs

14. Those who push their religion onto others without any abandon

15. T-Pain, Lil Wayne

16. Being judged for being human

17. Power complexes

18. Being so impulsive as to never think ahead 

19. Objectification

20. Not appreciating the selfless generosity of others

21. Twilight

22. Bill O'Reilly & all of FOX News

23. Using "Umm" too often instead of just pausing, thinking, then speaking

24. Being two-faced

25. Never making time for people who matter

26. Having to fight for attention

27. Golddiggers 

28. Heavy Metal/Screamo

29. Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana

30. Overpriced clothing

31. Assuming a guy is gay because he happens to be selflessly nice and considerate, a good listener, and just not being a jerkwad

32. People who say "aww" to everything, especially every couple in existence. A "cute couple" has lost its significance because of this, since it doesn't really matter if the couple is indeed adorable, others just feel compelled to say it.

33. People who don't know how to juggle their relationships with their lives. Your relationship is NOT your life, it's merely an important part chunk. Don't forget the little people...

34. Cell phones that go off during exams

35. Annoying people who disrupt lectures by talking abnoxiously loud

36. Roommates stealing your food

37. Annoyingly short texts that didn't need to be sent

38. High School Musical

39. People who begin speeches with "I'm not very good at speaking..."

40. Retainers

41. Little dogs that keep jumping towards my crotch

42. Judging people for being/writing emo things (essentially for being human), even though everyone does it

43. Joining organizations not because of motivation to better the group itself, but because a boy/girlfriend is in it

44. Extreme indecisiveness

45. Extreme feminists

46. Extremes in the political field

47. Human rights abusers/dictators

48. Creepers

49. Those tops that hang very, very loosely on girls' shoulders that remind you of maternity clothing

50. Eating with your mouth open

51. Insanely hard RPG bosses

52. Overly competitive people. It's just f#%&ing Taboo!

53. Shitty restaurant service

54. People who don't respond to texts, especially when they asked a question first

55. SPAM in my inbox

56. People who use others

57. People who only talk to you when they need help/want to copy your homework

58. Snoring in class

59. Pointless demonstrations in lecture

60. Professors/TAs who try too hard to be funny

61. Girls who constantly think they're fat when they're sticks

62. Ginger & cilantro

63. People who say "things could be worse", as if it were a form of encouragement

64. People who never check their calendars about events/times

65. Being consistently, significantly late

66. USPS & their tracking system

67. Girls' obsession with K/J/Cdrama guys and their many more-than-ideal traits

68. Oversized, wasteful cars (SUVs, Hummers)

69. Pointless surveys that circulate e-mails and Facebook

70. Shitty Wi-Fi

71. People who don't know when to quit

72. People who stand too close behind you at the ATM

73. Rain and overcast days (unless I'm indoors or wanting a natural diffuser of sunlight for shooting, respectively)

74. Fighting for hours for the check

75. Cars that look like boxes on wheels

76. Irresponsible people whose loads have to be picked up by others who are already swamped with their own stuff

77. Debates that go in circles because no one has said anything with substance for the last hour

78. Every printer my family has owned

79. Selfish people

80. Clueless asshole guys who give the rest of us a bad name

81. People who try selling things on eBay or Craigslist for prices higher than the MSRP

82. Jerks who buy concert tickets for the sole purpose of selling them to others at 5x the face value

83. Linguistics

84. Whoever thought that 

85. "Your mom" remarks

86. People lacking common sense (I mean, seriously, how'd it ever occur to you to think you needed to restart the computer after turning on the printer to print something??)

87. People who go away from their computers without bothering to put up an away message. for hours.

88. Windows updates that automatically restart your computer

89. People with cars that aren't willing to step up and drive others

90. People who ruin surprises

91. Drama queens (guys and girls)

92. The Heart of Darkness

93. Having to buy extra shit (course readers, clickers, a crappy no-function $5 calculator from a stats teacher who probably bought them in bulk for 50 cents each) for classes

94. A total screw-the-law mentality

95. Lindsay Lohan

96. Gossip

97. Stubbornness

98. Ignorance

99. People who never seem to have any money because they don't know how to control their spending

100. Guys in college who still don't know how to tie a tie

101. Overly baggy clothes

102. Wangsters

103. People who mistake satire for seriousness

104. Printing jobs that go to one more page because of one more sentence.

105. Really cold weather

106. Friends who forget close friends' birthdays

107. Games like "Bobby's World", "Around the World", "Black Magic", etc.

108. Silence

109. Side/partial hugs from people you care about

110. People who feel the need to drink/go crazy as their only escape

111. Flyering

112. Torn-up jeans

113. Leaving a room but not turning off the lights

114. Child-proof caps

115. The plastic sealing that's impossible to cut through without cutting yourself

116. People who can't seem to take proper care of themselves despite their age

117. Using the word "gay" as a synonym for "stupid"

118. Not being ready when told well in advance to be ready

119. Complainers who don't seek solutions

120. Senses of entitlement

121. PDA

122. People who use periods at the end of every sentence in IM conversations

123. Unnecessary capitalization/caps locking

124. People with expensive camera equipment who couldn't operate them properly if their lives depended on it

125. straight bangs

126. Too much post-processing on pictures

127. Feeling unproductive

128. Not being able to feel happy for someone else's happiness

129. People whose Facebook statuses aren't grammatically correct. (You can delete the "is"!)

130. People who pretend to be innocent

131. Overly happy people

132. People who speak on their cellphones in overly loud voices in public

133. Headphones that leak sound

134. Not paying attention during important conversations

135. Materlism

136. Stereotypical middle school screennames

137. Fidgeting/shaking your leg, causing the entire row/table to shake

138. Insecurity that inevitably causes drama

139. Pimples on pimples

140. Pimples on the ear

141. Windows Vista

142. Snoring

143. People who don't know how to say no

144. Having too many thoughts at one time

145. Wet shoes

146. Pounding rain

147. Nagging

148. Littering

149. Not flushing the toilet

150. Microsoft Office 2007 Ribbon interface

151. Half-assing

152. Having to take notes during videos in class

153. Flaking out

154. Parking in LA/Pasadena

155. Stuffy places

156. Sideburns

157. Really crappy handwriting

158. Cute, taken girls

159. Non-intuitive software for slideshows/video editing

160. Bitches

161. Apathy

162. Hard asses

163. Bureaucracy

To be continued.

Tick Tock

Time's up. Now what?

I hate thinking of titles

I'm supposed to be studying for my Anthro midterm in less than 8 hours, but at the moment, I really couldn't care less. I've been so ambivalent to so many things these last couple weeks that nothing really surprises me about my attitude anymore.

I'm hoping the addition of more hours to my job will keep me occupied, and thus I don't have the free time to idle away and overthink my life. It's become quite stressful and complicated within myself, and I find myself drifting in and out of dissatisfaction. Perhaps I'm bipolar.

I'm hoping I have the guts to say all that I need to say. I'm hoping that doing so will be the right choice, not just for my mental state but also for helping our relationship. Hopefully it'll be the start of the solution, and not just another time we've discussed this issue.

It's scary, hearing what others say about seeing me as I am now. Teresa keeps telling me I'm like a black hole. I feel bad; I don't really want to be someone sucking all the life and happiness out of the room. I'm just having a lot of trouble containing myself.

I don't remember the last time I had this much trouble with anyone or anything. My years of experience have all gone to waste.

Time, oh time.

U2?

When I need someone the most, why don't I have anyone?

WHY.



I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Pass me another band-aid. Yes, again.

By now, I know not to expect too much. At least, I should know. It's funny how human nature often inhibits you from learning from your mistakes--you have to learn the lessons over and over the hard way.

And each time, I end up feeling hurt here, writing about it in some cathartic, emotionally-loaded blog entry. Again.

I just wish, for once (for real this time), I wasn't a lower priority. Sounds a little selfish, I suppose, but I think I'm not being unreasonable.

I want to be top priority. I've always wondered what it felt like. At this point, I'm not sure if I'd even be able to imagine it or appreciate it fully. It'd be too... foreign. But hey--I'd adjust to happiness. And security.



And... love?

- 24 -

A new beginning? I hope so.

I can't believe break's over. I still can't believe school's starting today and I have classes. I really need to get my life on track.

I guess I'll sleep now. I had some thoughts in mind but I don't really feel up to writing tonight.

- 24 -

A little love

Hugs are the best things in the world.

- 24 -