A year later...

Apparently, having boba at night was a bad idea. Go figure. There are so many thoughts on my mind right now, I can't settle myself down to sleep. Doesn't help that I'm hungry, either.

I decided to go back to those oh-so-naive resolutions I made at the beginning of 2008 and reflected somewhat happily, somewhat sadly upon them.

1. My friends

Definitely.


2. Lose that freshman weight gain :(

Somehow, I did. Apparently I've gotten skinnier without actually minding to it; it actually scares me. Maybe it's walking up and down the hill to North and South Campus multiple times a day...


3. Start earning an income, so I can keep up my photography

Damn.


4. Learn guitar

Again, fail.


5. Stop spending lumps of money

SIGH.


6. Make more friends at UCLA and make new ones

What? Make more friends and make new ones? I'm not sure what I meant. But definitely, made many, MANY new ones. :)


7. Study harder

Wow, I must've been high.


8. Have FUN

Hell yeah. :)


I'll consider doing resolutions for 2009, but I should probably print them out and staple them to my forehead or something. I didn't even remember making resolutions for this year until tonight. Sad.

Freak, I'm hungry. I also realized how alien a place Michael's Arts & Crafts is for me. I shall come by more...

Guiltily, Britney Spears' "Circus" is looping in my head. :\

- 24 -

I have big shoes to fill

Bring it. The challenge begins now. It's time to outdo myself.

- 24 -

The Pursuit of Happyness

There are so many thoughts swirling in my head tonight, I've lost track of everything I want to think about. It's kind of annoying when you can't even describe all the things that are bothering you.

I was going to bed with a little bit of frustrations left over when I realized I no longer believed in myself. Well, what I mean is, I don't fully believe in what I used to anymore. I'm happy as long as my friends are happy -- that used to be my mantra, a bit of the old nice-guy mentality. I realized tonight... I wasn't. I felt really guilty and ashamed of myself when I did, but I couldn't deny it. Selfishness is one word for it, I suppose.

I can't yet make the separation. There's a big part of me which still, genuinely, lives by that extension. Part of me now wants more. I constantly worry that I demand too much of others, that maybe I'm just being unreasonable and greedy. There are those, of course, who reassure me and tell me that I have every right to want a little more, but in the end, I haven't convinced myself.

I wish I could just step aside and live in my own vein. It's just not... me. I'll just care to my own death, no matter how I try to fight it. I'm not a quitter, but I just care too damn much about you.

- 24 -

I swear I'm going to get an ulcer.

Sometimes, I just give up. I just don't know what to do anymore. You can't push any more otherwise you're the straight edge, but through and through, you really, really care about them.

At least I'll be ready to be a dad?

- 24 -

Madness

I've been rather obsessed with clothing shopping this Christmas season. It's really, really bad for my bank account, especially with January and the end of pledging coming around. I'm rather intent on changing my wardrobe though, so my subconscious is releasing all the long-built "thrifty Asian" barriers my parents built in me.

On the other hand, I have more colors! I think my Big has been rubbing off on me, because I bought my first orange shirt today. The last orange shirt I wore was in eighth grade, and that was one my mom had bought me from Target (it was probably on sale).

I'm looking for a good, solid purple shirt/polo. I shall keep scouring the internet/the malls for one. :)

- 24 -

"This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

I suppose it was only natural to have some doubts before. I'm so much more used to approaching a friendship and judging its closeness on a certain scale; I almost forgot how to see otherwise. But I think another milestone of my life has been reached, where unexplainable feelings are questioned and examined, but not shunned; rather, embracing them with the patience and understanding necessary gives birth to something wholly new and surprisingly immersive.

Almost two months ago, I had to stop and reexamine myself. Keeping within my comfort zone made me doubt venturing into something less certain and more unpredictable--the collision kept me up. But in the end, after countless mind turnings and friendly advice, I kept in line with my goal for this year: breaking out of my norm. It was a bit terrifying. I knew beforehand why I had made such a decision, and I wondered if I had been too optimistic--perhaps I believed too much in myself.

For the longest time, I didn't see what I wanted to see. I occasionally had my disappointments, but I never regretted my decision. And surprisingly, despite my usually doubtful nature, I never believed I had been overly optimistic. Little by little, I was convinced, we could find a little more.

Perhaps the best moment of my winter break happened at the very beginning. Somehow, it was so much easier. So much more open. So much less uncertain. I knew that all my concerns could be forgotten.

I love you, Big.

- 24 -

Tonight just fell apart completely.

FUCK.

- 24 -