Wow, I've completely neglected this blog. Tumblr makes me lazy.

Rough patches. It's only Week 2. :\ The stress is really starting to eat at me.

On Poetry

I've always disliked poetry. Partly because I'm no good at the style, and partly because I could never understand whatever the hell the poets were writing about in AP English prompts. To me, poems lacked the flow that I liked in writing prose. My writing style relies so much on this fluidity that it sickens me sometimes.

Poems punctuate their emotions. The flow is different, sometimes disrupted and disorderly. Lonely adjectives. A spray of more words.

While I was thinking about writing blogs again, I realized how much effort it would take to write the way I was used to. All I really wanted to do was spew and spew, I didn't want to make a pretty essay. I just wanted to spew. Poems would have worked.

Still, I can't quite make the conversion. Poetry still seems too foreign to me, so for now, I'll stick to prose.

damn

I still don't think you quite understand.

Disillusioned

With the way things are, there's nothing special about it. All my hopes dashed, I'm left with a resounding disappointment and disillusionment.

EF

Why do I sacrifice for you? I just keep getting messed up.

Frustration

Watching myself slide further and further from where I used to be is destroying my mind. What happened to me?

I used to be so happy.

Thoughts

I'd forgotten how to cry for so long, it felt foreign to me. When I finally came upon a small chance to begin, I couldn't seem to contain it anymore. It was so draining--at times, liberating--that I couldn't speak, save for the occasional distorted mumbling. I cried alone (thankfully) in my room for a good half hour. At the end, I didn't recognize the misshapen face staring back at me in the mirror. After months of torment, I could see the wreck I had become.

These later days, I can say, at the very least, that I am a bit better. This being defined as "not utterly miserable" doesn't sound like much, but it's a step forward. One thought still haunts me, however. Watching others and listening to others, I sometimes don't know how I came to be so lucky. Didn't I once sound like and believe in what these others said too? Are they truly better fits, or is it just my mind being clouded by doubt? I hope I find what I'm looking for.

I don't want to settle into mediocrity, into just the normal mold I see around me. I want something more meaningful and valuable. It's a challenge I've yet to fully wrap my head around, but perhaps I just need more time. Time. What a funny, tantalizing, and liberating promise.

I hope you haven't lost faith in me.